Dear Darwin:
Please
tell me, what would you say to someone who is constantly taking all you
have, not returning it, asking for more, and it happens all over again
all the time. I want to help this girl and i do! all the time! but she
doesn't want to help HERSELF! what do i do?????? I'm getting so tired
of getting taken advantage of. I need to go do some yoga. please help me!
Stephanie
Hi Stephanie:
I
can empathize with your situation as this is a very common issue with
interpersonal relationships. When we put ourselves in a position to
regularly help others, often times we encounter people that are
attracted to our willingness to give. This isn't to say that these
people are purposely trying to take advantage of us, but rather that
they've developed a repeating pattern of drawing energy from others.
The
first thing we should always do in these situations is to have
compassion for the other person. A person in balance wouldn't operate
in this manner and thus we can immediately recognize that they're out
of balance. Thus, without balance, they're unable to attain the
strength and energy necessary to objectively see their behavior or
chart a course of change. Nobody wants to be in a situation of
continually needing help from others and by approaching resolution
through compassion we can engage the person with love.
We've all
met people like this in our lives and our Minds have fabricated lots of
different stories about why these people are the way they are. But what
we should recognize is that their behavior is the result of a number of
factors rather than a single factor. Our logical Minds love to come up
with patterns and no doubt we've discovered part of their reason for
acting this way. But there is always much more to the story than meets
the eye.
The bottom line is that they are not thriving and,
through their relationship with you, they're able to derive a bit more
energy into their life. When this is communal, this exchange of life
force energy is both healthy and central to being human. However, when
this energy is flowing primarily in one direction, it can be unhealthy
for everyone. Unfortunately, these "energy suckers" are often unaware
of their unbalanced ways and thus talking to them about the problem
rarely resolves the situation.
Instead, we should take our
lay-psychologist hats off and instead envision the relationship as a
back and forth, flowing of energy. I know this sounds like fluffy,
metaphysical jargon but hear me out. For starters, let's describe
ourselves, not in the way that voice in our head describes, but rather
as we truly are:
"You are the collective consciousness that radiates from the connections between your Body, Spirit, and Mind." - Inspiration Divine, p 22.
Thus,
instead of simply being a physical manifestation of that voice in your
head, you're actually the active combination of the Body, Spirit and
Mind. If you look closely at this sentence, you'll see that
you are the "
connections" between the
Body, Spirit and
Mind:
- You're not your Body, because you'll continue to exist after your dead and buried.
- You're not your Mind, as you're more than just that voice in your head.
- You're also not simply your Spirit, as your Body and Mind play an active, participatory role in your life.
In essence, you are both the connections and the individual entities at the same time.
As
we imagine sensations, feelings and thoughts flowing between the Body,
Spirit and Mind we can visualize these communications as pure energy. A
thought originates in the Mind, which causes the Body to act and the
Spirit to react. In a healthy and balanced individual, this natural
flow of energy exists in effortless harmony. As you can see, keeping
ourselves in balance is key to living an enlightened life.
Now
visualize two people in a harmonious relationship. Rather than the
sensations, feelings and thoughts flowing within the individual, they
are shared and exchanged between the two. This ebb and flow of energy
is central to being human and our social nature is by Divine intent. We
are called to love one another and unite all of Humanity. Thus when we
interact with one another we share much more than sensations, feelings
and thoughts...we exchange energy with one another.
However,
when we encounter someone who is out of balance they tend to take more
energy than they give. Most people tend to avoid people like this
because they find these people to be draining, exhausting and even
depressing. In the cosmic exchange of energy, these people are living
off of the energy of others.
There have been times in our lives
when we too have operated like this. We all have unfortunate times in
our lives when we need the helping hand of another. Each of us can
recall a time in our lives when we needed help and our friends and/or
family were there for us. Our nature is to help one another and during
these times of imbalance in our lives we sincerely appreciate those
that give without expectation of return.
But some people
unknowingly become stuck in this way of living their lives. Through
years and years of repeating this same pattern in their lives, they've
developed a dependency on other people to help, guide and even rescue
them. Often these people have trouble maintaining long term
relationships with friends and family as they have become accustomed to
seeing people through the eyes of what they can do for them. They live
in a world of expectation and thus are missing the communal blessings
of balanced relationships.
“Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they do” Luke 23:24
Unaware
of their imbalanced ways, these people are not conscious to the damage
they're causing in their relationships or of the balanced life they
could be living. And because they've developed deep, repeating patterns
(ruts) in their mental approach to life, talking to them about this
situation is rarely effective. The reason is that they're living their
lives entirely within the logical constructs of their Minds. Thus when
you talk to them, they're only hearing you through the isolated
consciousness of their Minds.
To effect change, they must move
to a more balanced approach to life where the Body, Spirit and Mind are
all participating in the conversation. Again, remember you can't
convince them of this by talking to them about it. Without the lines of
communication flowing between their Body, Spirit and Mind, your words
will simply be logically referenced against their pre-existing
construct of life. In this construct of life, you are a source of
energy. And if you're not going to supply them with the energy they
need to thrive, they're not going to continue the relationship. Hence,
why talking to an unbalanced person about balance rarely works out.
Therefore, to help someone who has developed this approach to life, we must do two things:
- Set Healthy Boundaries
- to protect oneself in this exchange, we should establish healthy
boundaries when we are of sound Body, Spirit and Mind (e.g. when we're
calm, rather than reacting to a situation). We seek boundaries that
allow us to help the person, but also have defined limits. Although
you'll likely be ignored, you should communicate these boundaries to
the other person and stick to them.
- Engage their Body, Spirit and Mind
- it is impossible for the connections between the Body, Spirit and
Mind to be severed, but they can become atrophied like a muscle that
hasn't been used for years. We can help the other person turn this
around by inviting the other person to join us in activities that
nourish the Body, Spirit and Mind. For example, going to the gym
together, taking a meditation class together or joining a reading club.
As
more energy begins to flow into their life via their own Spirit,
they'll naturally move away from being dependent on others for this
life force energy. When these connections begin to blossom, they'll be
opening up to their true self. As a good friend, you'll be there to
guide them along the way and help them over the small bumps in the
road. Through modeling a balanced life, they'll slowly find ways to
regain balance in their own life.
In every relationship, we play
the role of Father, Mother or Child. People who drain energy from
others have become stuck in a child phase rather than developing.
Helpless to recognize that their gestation period has passed, they're
insuring that they remain in this phase of life by refusing to stand on
their own two feet. What they don't realize is that we regularly cycle
through the phases of Father, Mother and Child in our lives and this
means that someone needs them to play the role of Father or Mother in
their life. By not progressing with their own development, someone else
in their life is struggling. Someone else is unable to move onto their
next phase in life, because this person isn't evolving. By helping them
find balance and the flow of God's life force energy in their life, we
not only help this person but also the people who need them.
We live in a
cause and effect
world where we want simple and definitive solutions to our problems.
Instead of working towards a solution, our Western Minds crave
absolutes and instant fixes (hence the predominance of anti-anxiety and
anti-depression medications on the market). We usually like to tackle a
problem head on and confront it with brute force. However, this is an
un-compassionate approach to someone who is struggling with imbalance
in their life. Without communications and energy flowing through their
Body, Spirit and Mind, their lives are hard, difficult and a struggle.
We seek to truly help them by guiding them to a place of balance where
energy flows through them, rather than to them.
Before I close,
I must add that I love the fact that you answered your own question. In
final line, you said you needed to take a yoga class. And as yoga is
the balance of the Body, Spirit and Mind...you were already on the path
to the answer of your own question.
Blessings,
Darwin Stephenson
